A Tear and a Smile

do you remember

when you first took her by the hand with your sweaty palms. hoping to at least pass the gantry with hands still interlocking.

when you locked lips for the first time and because she never kissed before it felt as if you were kissing a log. wet, awkward pecks and fluttering within, hormones raging.

when you cuddled for the first time and it seemed so wrong yet so right both at the same time and you know you are her first.

there was no man before you

do you remember

today is going to be a good day

because i will finish my equity syllabus and finish two past year papers and then cover two chapters of public law.TODAY.

insyaAllah

a circle goes on and on forever.

Today I met H and it was a brief meet up since the last time we spent quality time together which was 9 days ago. And it was only cause we had to do our visas for our China trip in May. A few minutes waiting, a few minutes registering my visa, a few minutes then he came, a few minutes before he realised he forgot his passport, a few minutes more of waiting, a few minutes of getting told he had to come by again tomorrow because he doesnt have his passport with him, a few minutes of hugging him tight at the train station, a few minutes more in the train ride with him as company and then we were on our separate ways. A few minutes.

Once, last week I saw him briefly in school at the Summit (the school canteen) and it was a fleeting Hi and a random Bye. Id like to think that school and our academic pursuits are what that keep us apart and probably the idea along the lines of absence making the heart grows fonder may, I guess, seem somewhat of a compromise for not being able to see each other so often.

But today as I spent my last few stops on the train ride home, from the moment when he left me at Buona Vista  to take the circle line to school, I finally convinced myself of a fact I know all along to be true. Ive been circling around the truth that we both do not prioritise this relationship.

I guess some couples do not see a problem in this if they are really fine with how things are going but always, I feel so empty inside and my head is muddled trying to decipher my feelings for him. And often I settle for just being inept at managing relationships in general and then I choose to procrastinate thinking and move on to things that are more urgent. Like studying. Urgent. Isnt this relationship important enough to beg my full attention? Urgent. But studying is more urgent. Or not. Urgent.

Today before I performed my ablution for the afternoon prayers I felt a pang of fear of the impending Day of Judgement. You see, it is rather uncanny because these thoughts float through me at the most random of times and at the most unbecoming of places-the washroom. Seriously. Something so personal and probably close to being laden with religious intentions should not be thought about in a place where you excrete waste matter from your body and when you attend to your bowel movements. But there. As I washed my hands and my arms and my face, all that I could think of was how much I have sinned and that I should get a grip of myself and prepare for the afterlife. So why am I studying so hard for.

And then now, now. Now. I have 4 more chapters of Equity to finish and 2 chapters of public law i hope to go through tonight.

It is close to 6am and I am barely done with my readings for the next tutorial. Lately Ive been over-running my sleep time and my nap times and often I wake up panicking about how much time ive wasted on sleep. And often too, after this sporadic bouts of waking up panic stricken do I find myself laying in bed staring at the ceiling wishing so much that time would stop and wanting to believe that I dont have to worry about anything at all. And often times too I tend to get lost in pessimism and think of what is the use of living to such an extent of effort that I put in everyday knowing that everything will end and that i will die eventually. And then I get a mirth of hope thinking well maybe because we are all gonna die someday then that makes everyone common to the extent that death is impending and no one man is different from the other in this regard. and right now i am thinking about how (possibly) relevant the rules of equality I learnt in public law might come into play but honestly I cant be bothered much to think. So what I was getting into is how because there is this commonality going on then I shouldnt really be thinking too much about how different people are and I shouldnt be so scared and intimidated by like the people I am usually intimidated by (read: academics, professors) because well, they are human also what. They will die. So this is when I console my self esteem. And all this would happen within like ten minutes and then I will roll over and lay on my face down to my pillow and inching into sleep again but my conscience is screaming for me to continue on reading even though most times its so difficult to digest all that I have read. And then I get a kick. No, not the sort of kick like that in Inception but probably close i guess. Only without the snazzy french song non rien de rien they play in the movie. I wish my life was more amazing that way. Alas.

Sometimes I amaze myself by jolting up so randomly in the wee hours of the morning after like contemplating in my half consciousness about whether or not time would be better spent sleeping. This much summarizes my battle with sleep.

I dont enjoy sleeping as a result.

My back really aches. Really feels like its gonna snap into two. I think its a cumulative effect of hours at end hunching over my readings and staring at the computer screen.